Laziness, Inefficiency, and Guilt Abide in the Life Creative
I am way too hard on myself, and I bet to an extent, you are too. If you think you can trash talk me, I should share with you the transcripts of some of my daily “self-talk”. If you could see it, you'd probably think to yourself He’s got that angle covered. If you're looking for harsh words or tough love to incite me to action, dream on. Even using such language on myself, it doesn't work.
From an early age, I thought of myself as lazy. I’m the kid that wanted to carry seven suitcases at once. My dad called it “the lazy man’s load.” That stuck with me, and every time I tried to bite off too much too fast, I thought of it as lazy. There is a fine line between efficiency and laziness. I have often crossed that line, and there were other times I didn't even enter the arena.
I would half-ass things scholastically. I was a B-C level range student. I wrote a paper on A Clockwork Orange without really reading it. I would cram for tests the night before. I wouldn’t cheat, but at the same time, I wouldn’t be breaking my brain in high school in trying to make the honor roll. I wasn't stupid, but I found school to be a necessary thing to be endured. The only times I was motivated were times when I was encouraged and complimented. My Geography and English teachers stood out among those who I believe could have cared less if I thrived or dropped out.
Being slothful is laziness of the body, haste is laziness of the mind. At times, I have been guilty on both counts. I read a recent article that suggests that many of us, in our reliance on our phones and other screens, are losing our ability to remember and process information. As an example: other than your own phone number, how many others do you actually know?
You know what’s even lazier? People who expect you do Google stuff for them. This is fine if they are your boss, but I’m talking about people asking questions in places like Quora. Instead of asking me something like “What is like a pencil that you use on your computer to draw and point at things on the screen?” Save yourself some time and actually Google it yourself. I’m not your Google broker. Although maybe I should do that, and charge for it.
“Laziness” has been one of my triggers.
You could call me fat and it might not hit its mark, but call me lazy and you might get a reaction. But looking back on my life, I would say that my problem isn’t laziness, it’s inefficiency. I’m not just talking about finding less effective ways at doing things, because I am quite adept at doing that, but also, doing things that require a lot of time and effort but don’t mean anything.
I can say, in all honesty, that I’ve worked hard at activities that are meaningless. Ask anyone who's ever played a video game, and you might know what I mean. A good way of putting it is a lot of labor with nothing to show for it. What do I mean by nothing to show for it? Talk to a waitress at Chili’s or that guy at a tire place and relate that you recently hit level 110 on your Rogue, and they will stare at you blankly. Not only does your accomplishment mean nothing to them, you might as well be speaking Farsi.
I played World of Warcraft since 2007 and I have very little to show for it aside from letting some skills and talents languish. For all I know, I could have been learning valuable life skills as well in the process. Maybe I could have met a woman, gotten married, had a couple of kids, acquired a decent job. I could be living the American dream. I could have been a contender!
Instead, I spent time mining fake metals in a fake world, creating fake weapons and armor, and trading them in a fake auction house. I leveled many classes of characters to level cap and for what? So that the company that developed said level caps could make it easier to level a character? To make all the effort obsolete at the advent of a new expansion? Well, there are a number of mounts I have collected through my hours of time and effort as well as a list of achievements. Still though, showing people my fancy flying sewer cap is pretty much measured as “nothing” by the general public.
It can be argued that I did learn “some” things. I learned about the toxicity of the gaming culture that pretty much permeates a lot of internet related interactions. I learned how to use related applications like voice apps. You could even argue that my ability to run the auction house taught me a lot about market trends, and how to make money (even if it was just pixels). But in some ways, it’s just a rationalization. It may allow me to understand and appreciate Ready Player One a bit more than a casual movie-goer but aside from that, what does it matter?
The truth is though, that meaningless activities can extend in a lot of areas. If we binge-watch a TV show, love football, collect stamps, get into woodworking, or attend many pastimes, travel, do wine tasting, do these things really matter in the scheme of things? They enrich our lives to an extent, I guess, but to a large part, their benefits are subjective.
Arising From Laziness and Inefficiency also has side effects as well.
This might sound like a humble brag, and maybe it is, but as a creative person, I now find myself with guilt, and it exists in spite of actually burning time and effort and doing things I would consider to be constructive. I am screwed ten ways to Sunday because of it. It’s a no-win situation for me emotionally.
For example: If I work on a podcast, I feel like I am nothing because I’m not working on my artistic projects like my digital art. If I work on my digital art, I think I am lazy for not writing. And it all goes in a vicious circle. During all this, the inner critic in me will arise and say “It doesn’t matter because you suck at everything.”
Also, I will admit to the following. I have a tendency to work on things up to the point where it’s time to release them or “ship” them as some call it. I don’t want to release them because at that point they will be judged, and often, found wanting? So I jump from project to project and endeavor to not quite put the finishing touches on anything.
Another thing my dad said to me growing up was “You never finish anything.”
I say this even as I’ve done a hundred episode podcast that I produced, recorded, and edited. I had a partner and guests, it’s true, but in the end, I was the one who released the episodes, and some of them were rough, and others were rougher, but there were parts of the episodes I really loved. A WoW gaming podcast that focussed to a degree on etiquette and on the other to irreverence…it was never going to work.
I completed two children’s books, an activity book, I’ve made strides ahead in my digital art, I’ve returned to filling up sketch pads, and I find myself moving forward in ways I haven’t in years. And yet, I still think I am far from where I could be.
I’ve also completed a 160k word dark fantasy humor novel, and a novella as well that is a cautionary tale in the same vein as Black Mirror. I’ve also released a self-published horror novel with another author. All these are pretty damn good accomplishments, and yet still…
Yet still, this inner voice persists.
If you have this tendency, don't be too hard on yourself. The struggle is to find balance in the end between work and leisure, between chores and hobbies, and between messing around and rationalization.
From an early age, I thought of myself as lazy. I’m the kid that wanted to carry seven suitcases at once. My dad called it “the lazy man’s load.” That stuck with me, and every time I tried to bite off too much too fast, I thought of it as lazy. There is a fine line between efficiency and laziness. I have often crossed that line, and there were other times I didn't even enter the arena.
I would half-ass things scholastically. I was a B-C level range student. I wrote a paper on A Clockwork Orange without really reading it. I would cram for tests the night before. I wouldn’t cheat, but at the same time, I wouldn’t be breaking my brain in high school in trying to make the honor roll. I wasn't stupid, but I found school to be a necessary thing to be endured. The only times I was motivated were times when I was encouraged and complimented. My Geography and English teachers stood out among those who I believe could have cared less if I thrived or dropped out.
Being slothful is laziness of the body, haste is laziness of the mind. At times, I have been guilty on both counts. I read a recent article that suggests that many of us, in our reliance on our phones and other screens, are losing our ability to remember and process information. As an example: other than your own phone number, how many others do you actually know?
You know what’s even lazier? People who expect you do Google stuff for them. This is fine if they are your boss, but I’m talking about people asking questions in places like Quora. Instead of asking me something like “What is like a pencil that you use on your computer to draw and point at things on the screen?” Save yourself some time and actually Google it yourself. I’m not your Google broker. Although maybe I should do that, and charge for it.
“Laziness” has been one of my triggers.
You could call me fat and it might not hit its mark, but call me lazy and you might get a reaction. But looking back on my life, I would say that my problem isn’t laziness, it’s inefficiency. I’m not just talking about finding less effective ways at doing things, because I am quite adept at doing that, but also, doing things that require a lot of time and effort but don’t mean anything.
I can say, in all honesty, that I’ve worked hard at activities that are meaningless. Ask anyone who's ever played a video game, and you might know what I mean. A good way of putting it is a lot of labor with nothing to show for it. What do I mean by nothing to show for it? Talk to a waitress at Chili’s or that guy at a tire place and relate that you recently hit level 110 on your Rogue, and they will stare at you blankly. Not only does your accomplishment mean nothing to them, you might as well be speaking Farsi.
I played World of Warcraft since 2007 and I have very little to show for it aside from letting some skills and talents languish. For all I know, I could have been learning valuable life skills as well in the process. Maybe I could have met a woman, gotten married, had a couple of kids, acquired a decent job. I could be living the American dream. I could have been a contender!
Instead, I spent time mining fake metals in a fake world, creating fake weapons and armor, and trading them in a fake auction house. I leveled many classes of characters to level cap and for what? So that the company that developed said level caps could make it easier to level a character? To make all the effort obsolete at the advent of a new expansion? Well, there are a number of mounts I have collected through my hours of time and effort as well as a list of achievements. Still though, showing people my fancy flying sewer cap is pretty much measured as “nothing” by the general public.
It can be argued that I did learn “some” things. I learned about the toxicity of the gaming culture that pretty much permeates a lot of internet related interactions. I learned how to use related applications like voice apps. You could even argue that my ability to run the auction house taught me a lot about market trends, and how to make money (even if it was just pixels). But in some ways, it’s just a rationalization. It may allow me to understand and appreciate Ready Player One a bit more than a casual movie-goer but aside from that, what does it matter?
The truth is though, that meaningless activities can extend in a lot of areas. If we binge-watch a TV show, love football, collect stamps, get into woodworking, or attend many pastimes, travel, do wine tasting, do these things really matter in the scheme of things? They enrich our lives to an extent, I guess, but to a large part, their benefits are subjective.
Arising From Laziness and Inefficiency also has side effects as well.
This might sound like a humble brag, and maybe it is, but as a creative person, I now find myself with guilt, and it exists in spite of actually burning time and effort and doing things I would consider to be constructive. I am screwed ten ways to Sunday because of it. It’s a no-win situation for me emotionally.
For example: If I work on a podcast, I feel like I am nothing because I’m not working on my artistic projects like my digital art. If I work on my digital art, I think I am lazy for not writing. And it all goes in a vicious circle. During all this, the inner critic in me will arise and say “It doesn’t matter because you suck at everything.”
Also, I will admit to the following. I have a tendency to work on things up to the point where it’s time to release them or “ship” them as some call it. I don’t want to release them because at that point they will be judged, and often, found wanting? So I jump from project to project and endeavor to not quite put the finishing touches on anything.
Another thing my dad said to me growing up was “You never finish anything.”
I say this even as I’ve done a hundred episode podcast that I produced, recorded, and edited. I had a partner and guests, it’s true, but in the end, I was the one who released the episodes, and some of them were rough, and others were rougher, but there were parts of the episodes I really loved. A WoW gaming podcast that focussed to a degree on etiquette and on the other to irreverence…it was never going to work.
I completed two children’s books, an activity book, I’ve made strides ahead in my digital art, I’ve returned to filling up sketch pads, and I find myself moving forward in ways I haven’t in years. And yet, I still think I am far from where I could be.
I’ve also completed a 160k word dark fantasy humor novel, and a novella as well that is a cautionary tale in the same vein as Black Mirror. I’ve also released a self-published horror novel with another author. All these are pretty damn good accomplishments, and yet still…
Yet still, this inner voice persists.
If you have this tendency, don't be too hard on yourself. The struggle is to find balance in the end between work and leisure, between chores and hobbies, and between messing around and rationalization.
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